*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight." I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And first, first let us deal here
with the elephant in the room.
Last week, we made a unicorn-themed appeal
to Scotland not to leave the U.K.
On Thursday, this happened.
Voters in Scotland have rejected independence
and have chosen to remain a part of the United Kingdom.
The kingdom is saved! [Cheering and applause]
The kingdom is saved!
And it is--it is not often you get to say that
outside of a live action role play setting.
"The kingdom is secure. I've secured the kingdom."
One of the incredible things about the Scottish referendum
was not how people voted, but how many people voted.
WOMAN: On Thursday, voters turned out
in their biggest numbers in Scottish electoral history.
Some incredible turnout figures, let me tell you.
Stirling, 90%.
Never seen anything like it.
East Renfrewshire
I think is actually even higher.
Is it 90.5%?
It just can't--it can't be.
I had no idea the Scots were even physically capable
of making a mark on a piece of paper.
No idea.
88% voted in Clackmannanshire?
There is no way Clackmannanshire is not a made-up place.
They're lying to us. They're lying to us.
If you watched the returns on Thursday,
there was one amazing detail.
For some reason, each council read not just the totals
of yes and no votes,
but also the reasons why some votes were not counted.
The reasons for rejection are as follows.
Want of an official mark, zero.
Voting in favor of both answers, 13.
4 for writing a mark by which the voter could be identified.
Also one vote saying the person reading this is an ass waffle.
One vote reading, "Cathy, I love you, please take me back.
It's Mark."
14 drawings of a unicorn having sex with another unicorn.
And 11,000 votes for Deez Nuts.
So, the winner is Deez Nuts. Democracy doesn't work.
It doesn't work. [Cheering and applause]
Moving on.
Moving on, there was also voting this week in New Zealand.
Now, you may know it as the homeland of Lorde,
or that place where people who are happier than you
go on vacation.
Now, on Saturday, they re-elected
their prime minister John Key, despite a turbulent campaign,
with a major scandal that engulfed him
earlier this week.
Rap superstar Eminem's become the latest
to take potshots at our government.
Why is Eminem getting involved?
Is he concerned about the South Island's
rising wallaby population?
If so, good for you, Eminem.
Those things are giant rats with pouches.
They must be stopped.
Unless something else was bothering him.
WOMAN: It's all over this campaign ad.
MAN: ...and the National Party's economic management.
New Zealand is heading in the right direction.
WOMAN: But what's wrong with it, say Eminem's publishers,
is that the Nats didn't ask if they could use the song.
That's right. The ruling party of New Zealand
was accused of ripping off...
[Imitates New Zealand announcer] Eminem.
[Regular voice] And I can't imagine how angry that must have made
[Imitates New Zealand announcer] Eminem.
[Regular voice] I'd go so far as to say
that New Zealand has made an...
[Imitates New Zealand announcer] enemy of Eminem.
[Regular voice] But perhaps--perhaps the reason
it didn't affect the outcome of the election
is that the party's campaign manager
had this brilliant legal defense.
WOMAN: What's your understanding of the legality
of your campaign song?
Oh, we think it's pretty legal.
I think these guys are just having a crack
and a bit of a eye for the main chance
because it's an election campaign.
"Pretty legal."
That is not a concept that exists.
That's like being sort of dead.
I want to see that man as a defense lawyer.
"Your honor, my client pleads probably not, yeah?
Probably not. Just having a crack."
And--and finally this week, it was another
terrible 7 days for the NFL
with yet more news regarding serious domestic abuse.
Everyone had significant questions
for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
regarding how the NFL handles domestic abuse,
and what specific plans he has to improve things in the future.
And so on Friday, he spent an entire 45 minutes
answering none of them.
These incidents demonstrate that we can use the NFL
to help create change.
We are taking a number of steps.
We will re-examine, enhance, and improve
all of our current programs, and then we'll do more.
There will be changes to our personal conduct policy.
I know this because we will make it happen.
We've acknowledged that we need to change what we're doing.
Now we have to get to what are those changes going to be.
JOHN: "And in so saying, I have effectively made sounds
"which, when put together, constitute words
"which can then be turned into sentences
"that make noise to travel into your ears and that's 45 minutes.
"I've done it! Goodell out!
"Clear eyes, full hearts. Can't take my job. Fuck you!
Fuck you!"
The--the low point of the press conference might have been
when Goodell had this exchange with a reporter from "TMZ."
I would have loved to have seen that tape.
Should we do more to get that information in the future?
That's a question I want these experts to do.
MAN: We found out by one phone call.
You guys have a whole legal department.
OK, you know, you know that things are not going well
when you lose the moral high ground to a "TMZ" reporter,
a man--a man whose employer ran a story this week titled,
"Nicki Minaj bamboobles her ass critics."
And the thing is, Goodell wasn't
just getting criticized in the room.
If you were watching on ESPN,
you could see NFL players live-Tweet the proceedings,
including Darius Butler, who wrote,
"This press conference is pointless."
But truly--but truly, the single greatest reaction
to the entire Goodell press conference debacle
came from wide receiver Sidney Rice,
who wrote simply, "Boo this man...
Ghost emoji."
And I really think that says it all.
Bravo, Sidney. Bravo.
Boo this man, ghost emoji, indeed.
And now this.
You always sort of gauge everything right in life
based on how close we come to "The Jetsons."
Remember "The Jetsons"? The family flying in their car?
"The Jetsons," right? Remember that cartoon?
Technology is gonna make it so that
we only work 4 days a week.
MAN: "The Jetsons"!
WOMAN: Does anyone other than the Jetsons
and some people in Silicon Valley do this?
MAN: It's like "The Jetsons."
It's like "The Jetsons."
It's like from "The Jetsons."
Don't you think it's like "The Jetsons"?
George Jetson, and what was the name of the dog?
WOMAN: Elmo.
MAN: Oh, how could I forget? Oh, Astro.
Astro. Astro?
Astro was the name of the dog. "Ruff-right!"
Yeah, it wasn't Elmo. Ha ha ha!
That was a different little kid. Yeah.
Moving on. Moving on. Moving on.
Let's talk--let's talk about Cuba.
You don't hear much about it on American television,
unless Anthony Bourdain takes a trip there
to try their street food
whilst drunkenly speculating about dead men's genitals.
My theory always was that
Hemingway was hung like a hamster,
not that there's anything wrong with that.
Oh, oh, you're right.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
We Googled hamster penis, and this is what you find.
That's adorable.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But, look, I digress.
Cuba.
Earlier this month, the president
made a major decision regarding U.S. relations with Cuba,
although you probably didn't hear about it
unless you were watching Spanish-language television.
Yes, America has renewed its trade embargo with Cuba.
That's a big deal. And yet that was the only clip
we could find reporting it.
Because apparently, Spanish-speaking people
are the only ones who give
whatever the Spanish for "two shits" is.
I'm guessing it's "Dos Equis." Now, first, first,
and I'll admit this, I'll admit this,
I had no idea the Cuban embargo had to be renewed once a year.
I just assumed it was like an Amazon Prime trial.
You just--you sign up once and it simply rolls on
without you even noticing.
But apparently, one of the components of the embargo
is the Trading with the Enemy Act,
which requires that the president must annually
sign a piece of paper saying that its
continuation for one year is in the national interest,
which is a strangely routine way to go about renewing legislation
which in Cuba is deeply controversial.
WOMAN: The embargo is a constant talking point on the island,
and most Cubans blame it for the shortages of everything,
from concrete to build roads and houses to food shortages.
Cubans blame the embargo for everything--
the economy, the weather,
the complete collapse of "Homeland" in its second season,
which--which to be fair, Cubans probably haven't seen,
but if they do, they'll hate it
and they'll blame the embargo for it.
The embargo seems like something from a different era,
and that is probably because it is.
WOMAN: The U.S. embargo was put into place
by President Kennedy in 1962.
Exactly. The Cuban embargo dates back to the Kennedy era.
And at the time, it probably made some sense.
We'd just been through the Cuban Missile Crisis,
which was the closest we'd ever been to Armageddon
until the explosive reaction
to the "Fifty Shades of Grey" casting announcement.
I'm sorry, but Jamie Dornan has all the charisma
of a sandwich bag filled with iceberg lettuce.
He is not my Christian. #notmychristian.
But--but, look, it's--it's been a while.
It's been a while since Cuba was a genuine threat.
And by continuing the embargo, we're not just pissing them off,
we're pissing off almost the entire world.
WOMAN: The U.N. General Assembly is pressing for the 22nd time,
by the way, for the U.S. to end its embargo against the country.
188 countries voted for lifting the embargo.
Israel was the only country that joined the U.S.
in voting against this.
Ah, yes, the U.S. and Israel together alone again.
Although to be fair, in 2012, the group supporting the embargo
did have another powerful member,
specifically, the island nation of Palau.
What a coalition--America, Israel, and Palau.
The peanut butter and jelly
and traditional Palauan fruit-bat soup
of foreign policy.
But last year, last year, even Palau decided
it couldn't support the embargo anymore.
And you know what they say-- when you've lost Palau,
you can forget about the Maldives.
Sure, you've got to remember the Maldives first,
but then you have to forget about them.
But look, don't listen to the rest of the world.
Who gives a shit what they think?
The truth is, even our own standards for this embargo
seem a little bit shaky.
Remember the Trading with the Enemy Act from earlier?
Well, Cuba is currently the only country on it.
There used to be another one until this happened.
I'm issuing a proclamation that lifts the provisions
of the Trading with the Enemy Act with respect to North Korea.
Not even North Korea is on that list anymore!
And, look, a list of enemies without them is like a list of
cycloptic clawed penises
without the 2012 Olympic mascots.
It's meaningless. Your list is incomplete,
which is not to say that the Cuban government
is a good regime.
Look, in Freedom House's most recent report,
Cuba got a repression score of 6.5 out of 7.
Which does sound embargo-worthy were it not for the fact that
many of our biggest trading partners have similar scores.
China also got a 6.5, and Saudi Arabia got a full 7.
And do you know how hard it is to get a perfect score?
They'll dock you a full point
just for hooking up jumper cables to the wrong testicle.
But--but we're happy to overlook those scores.
We do it all the time.
Because if we only traded with countries
with perfect human rights records,
our only imports would be maple syrup and Smurfs.
And perhaps the craziest part of all of this
is that if you really want the perfect argument
for ending the Cuban embargo,
you don't need to listen to any other country on the planet.
You just need to listen to this guy.
Sure, we could acknowledge that or we could just keep doing it
until it somehow magically unfails.
52nd year's the charm, baby! Whoo!
And now this.
Teachable moment, Chris.
We all need those sometimes.
I have them, like, what, every 17 seconds?
About that, yeah, [Laughs]
Ba ha ha ha!
[Laughter]
MAN: Very good.
We're ready, Will Ferrell. I hope it's true.
Amy certainly is.
[Loud laughter]
OK.
And finally, finally tonight,
last Sunday, last Sunday, one of the weirdest annual events
on television took place yet again.
MAN: Get ready for the lip gloss, the spray tans,
the blood, sweat, and sequins.
I'm pumped up!
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015
Miss America semifinalists!
Beautiful!
And just a reminder to those of you at home,
it is the year 2014 and I am a fully clothed man
standing in front of a line of
women in swimsuits awaiting judgment!
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Yes, last Sunday was the Miss America pageant.
And through it all, the swimsuits, the dance numbers,
the inexplicable ventriloquism,
it was--it was very difficult not to think,
How the fuck is this still happening?
Beauty pageants haven't really made sense
since an era when people talked like this.
MAN: Girls, girls, girls. Every one lovely and talented.
One from nearly every state in the union, including Alaska.
Oh! Including Alaska, yes!
And you know why they mention that?
Because Alaska had only just become a state back then.
In fact, in the early days, it made sense to have a contest
with criteria like this.
MAN: The very first years, there was a literal breakdown.
Five points for the construction of the head,
5 points for the limbs,
3 points for the torso, two points for the leg.
Three points for the torso.
I think even back then, that was code.
"Hey, I met this great dame, see?
"She's got a great torso, see?
34D torso. You should meet her."
"How's the construction of her head?"
"It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous."
But the only time that beauty pageants are relevant nowadays
is whenever someone forwards you a link to something like this.
I believe that our education like such as in
South Africa and the Iraq-- everywhere like such as and
I believe that they should--
our education over here in the U.S.
should help the U.S.--or should help South Africa
and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries.
Now--now--now to be fair, the question she was asked was,
can you do an impression of a dictionary in a washing machine,
and--and I think everyone-- she nailed that.
She nailed that.
Look, look, look, it is easy
to make fun of pageant contestants.
But which is really crazier?
That they sometimes give stupid answers,
or that they are almost always asked
ridiculously complex questions?
Government tracking of phone records
has been in the news lately.
Is this an invasion of privacy
or necessary to keep our country safe?
Why or why not?
Should people who leak classified documents
in the name of public information
be charged with treason?
MAN: In recent weeks, the U.S. has released
5 detainees from Guantanamo
in exchange for one U.S. soldier
held captive in Afghanistan.
The U.S. policy is to leave no soldier behind.
Do you think it's fair to sacrifice or swap lives
in order to uphold this policy?
What?
I totally agree with the guy in the background there,
because I sincerely doubt the intricacies of hostage exchanges
are going to be resolved by a 21-year-old P.R. major
and the star of "Sharknado."
In fact, last Sunday, this was an actual question.
WOMAN: The savagery of the ISIS threat to our security
was demonstrated by the gruesome videos
of two journalists and an aid worker
being beheaded.
What should our country's response be?
That's right--they asked one of the contestants to solve ISIS.
And she only had 20 seconds to do it.
How did she do?
This is an absolute outrage,
and something definitely needs to be done
but I don't think America needs to be
the only one to do it.
I really think it's important for the world,
for the U.N., to come together and decide
what's the best thing united that we can do
to really come together as a bigger
and more impactful source
to end this horrid, horrid thing that's happening.
Holy shit!
That is a much better answer
than I could've done in that amount of time.
That is a borderline better answer
than the president gave last week.
In fact, many of last Sunday's contestants
were genuinely impressive.
And the Miss America pageant would argue
that's because they're a classier organization
than their competitors, which is frankly not difficult.
Miss U.S.A., for instance, is owned by Donald Trump,
a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.
But--and look, he's--he's pretty blunt about his criteria.
Well, obviously it's great outer beauty.
I mean, we could say politically correct
that look doesn't matter,
but the look obviously matters.
Like you wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful.
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
JOHN: It is a little ironic
that the Miss U.S.A. beauty pageant is overseen by one of
the ugliest souls on the planet.
But--but look. Miss America
is supposed to be different from all that.
Miss America is about something more than just looks.
This is a scholarship pageant, Lee.
Miss America funds scholars.
It's the largest scholarship program in the world for women.
It's easy to think that this is just a beauty pageant,
but this is a scholarship pageant, Miss America is.
Right. Yeah, right.
You need to see them in bathing suits, because as we all know,
the intelligence portion of the brain
is located somewhere on the upper thigh.
In fact, Miss America trades on their scholarship claims
so much, if you call the Miss America headquarters,
this is what you hear.
OK, that is suspiciously defensive
right out of the gate.
That is like Walter White saying,
"Hello and welcome to this regular car wash
"that's definitely not laundering money for my meth lab.
Welcome. Welcome."
If, if it is actually true that Miss America is the world's
largest provider of scholarships for women,
that's a little bit weird,
because Miss America does not offer scholarships to all women,
only those who compete in its pageants.
So, to qualify for a scholarship,
you'll need to certify not just that you've never been married
but also that you are not now pregnant
and never have been.
Which, of course, makes sense.
Miss America is supposed to be a role model for children.
How can she be that if she's got a child in tow
who's constantly looking up to her?
And those--those are just the official rules
you need to abide by.
If you want a shot at winning one of their scholarships,
you're also going to need access to a can of this stuff.
WOMAN: Butt glue, a spray adhesive
essential for keeping those bikini bottoms on their bottoms.
Just--just think about that for a second.
"How did the scholarship interview go?"
"Well, my ass is still sticky. I think I got it.
I think I got it."
[Applause]
And Miss America-- Miss America doesn't just
say it's the biggest scholarship organization,
it backs this up with numbers.
We're the nation's largest
scholarship program for young women
with $45 million made available annually.
$45 million. That is an unbelievable amount of money,
as in, "I literally didn't believe that."
It's the kind of number that can get stuck in your head
and rattle around there for days, driving you crazy,
making you wish, for instance,
there was a way to find out more.
Find out more at
MissAmericaFoundation.org.
And that is where all this craziness began.
We went to their web site and to be honest,
it wasn't a great sign that their "about us" page
says, "We Fun Scholars!"
[Laughter]
You--you really might want to--
you really might want to butt glue a "D"
onto the end of that word.
But it was then, while digging around on their site,
that we discovered that Miss America and its foundation
are registered non-profits,
which means they have to file public tax forms.
So what we were looking for was that crazy number, $45 million.
What we found instead was that in 2012, at the national level,
they spent less than $500,000
in cash scholarships,
leaving us a mere $44,500,000 short
of what they say they provide.
And at this point, we really had a clear choice.
We could've just thought, "Sure, the numbers don't really add up,
but it's only Miss America. Who really gives a shit?"
Or, or, we could try to pull the tax forms
from every state-level competition in the country,
because this was starting to drive us fucking insane.
[Cheering and applause]
It's been a weird week here.
We got 33 states' 990 forms
and attempted to contact everyone else.
But even making the most generous assumptions
for every state and local pageant that we didn't get,
we couldn't get even close to $4 million
when, remember, they are claiming this...
$45 million made available annually.
How the fuck is that possible? How's that possible?
At this point, we were in way too deep,
so we just called Miss America,
which is when we first heard this:
WOMAN: Thank you for calling the Miss America Organization,
the world's largest provider of scholarships for women.
JOHN: And it turns out, the key word there is "provider."
Some schools offer scholarships directly to pageant contestants,
and the trick is Miss America counts all of them,
not just the ones they can physically take.
So, for instance, Miss Pennsylvania's web site
says it offers the winner scholarships to these 4 colleges.
And the value of every single scholarship is counted together,
despite the fact that she is clearly going to attend
at most one because she's not going to attend 4 colleges.
She's not James fucking Franco!
[Cheering and applause]
Furthermore, furthermore,
Miss Alabama in its 2012 filing
said it provided nearly $2.6 million in scholarships
to just one school, Troy University, which blew my mind.
Because if that's true, that must be
the single prettiest school anywhere in America.
But when we contacted Troy,
it turns out the pageant got to that $2.6 million
by multiplying the value of a single scholarship by 48,
the number of competitors who could theoretically accept it,
even though the actual number of contestants
who accepted a scholarship that year was--
and you are not going to believe this--zero.
Absolute zero.
Meaning that the difference between
the money they "provided" and the money they "awarded"
was all of the money they provided.
And--and at this point, we just had to stop
because it was 35 minutes ago, and we had to tape this show.
But it does seem that two things are true.
One, Miss America gives out way less
than $45 million in scholarships.
And yet, two, whatever the number is,
one thing does still seem to be troublingly true.
The Miss America Organization is
actually the largest provider of
scholarships to women in the world.
Yeah, because even their lowest number
is more than any other women-only
scholarship that we could find,
more than the Society of Women Engineers,
whose web site is here,
more than the Patsy Mink Foundation, here,
and more than the Jeanette Rankin
Women's Scholarship Fund, here.
All of which you can donate to if you want to change the fact
that currently, the biggest scholarship program
exclusively for women in America
requires you to be unmarried with a mint-condition uterus,
and also rewards working knowledge
of buttock adhesive technology,
which is just a little bit unsettling.
And, in fact, let me try to explain why
to the Miss America Organization
through the only medium it seems to value,
20-second conversations
with women in evening dresses and sashes.
Please join me.
*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome to Miss "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm proud to say as of now, we are
the world's largest provider of scholarships for women,
because tonight, 400 million $1.00 scholarships
will be made available to the winner,
of which she may choose just one.
So, let's bring out our first contestant,
Miss First Contestant.
[Cheering and applause] Radiant.
Question number one.
What does the continued existence
of the Miss America pageant say
about how women are viewed in America?
You have 20 seconds. Go.
Beginning with the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848
that spurred first wave feminism,
the perception of women in America
has always been complex and fluid.
While it is theoretically possible
that Miss America could evolve into
a purely academic scholarship organization,
at this point in time, the notion that
beauty pageants are about
anything other than outer beauty
is belied both by the continued existence
of the swimsuit portion and the fact that
I'm expected to answer this question in just 20 seconds.
Thank you very much. [Cheering and applause]
That's tremendous. Tremendous. Beautiful.
And now please welcome
our final contender, Miss Kathy Griffin.
[Cheering and applause]
Miss Kathy, your question.
When providing access to scholarships,
is there any place whatsoever
for the judgment of a woman's body?
Oh, I have no problem with that at all.
Wait. What? Really?
Nope, no problem whatsoever.
As long as men are subjected to the same demeaning process.
Let me show you what I mean.
Giuseppe, get out here.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, shit.
Uh, OK, all right. What exactly are you doing here, Kathy?
All right, I am judging you as a host next to him.
Uh, well-- All right, John, walk that runway.
Give us a twirl.
Shit. He's just--
[Cheering and applause]
Hosting is about a lot more than looks, Kathy.
It's about just--
Now, don't do that with your hands.
It's not just about-- it's not just about looks, Kathy.
Well, look, that's only 20% of your total score.
Now, I'm giving this one to Giuseppe
because, frankly, he wins on
muscle mass, legs, and of course, construction of the head.
OK, OK, OK, I get your point.
No, let me explain why I'm giving you a lower score.
I look at Giuseppe and I want to have sex with him.
I look at you, and I want to have sex with Giuseppe.
Oh, come on, Kathy. I'm a good person, Kathy.
You know what? I am calling it!
Giuseppe wins! No!
No way Giuseppe wins!
No, get off me, Giuseppe.
I'm not happy for you. I'm not happy for you.
I feel terrible about myself!
Pageants are horrible! They're horrible!
That's our show. My thanks to Kathy Griffin.
My thanks to Kathy Griffin.
Fuck you, Giuseppe!
Please, please join us again next week.
We'll see you next week. Good night!
Good-bye.
I feel bad about myself.